The Return of the GoodForNothing Son
by Tea for You
Summary: Voldemort. Successfully sent to the afterlife by Harry Potter. In there, he's welcomed by Lily and James, both aware that he now shares Harry's blood, and therefore also THEIRS...Run, Tom. As fast as you can.


With a quiet "pop!" a dark figure appeared at the entrance of the afterlife. Lord Voldemort, gasping and holding his heart like he was about to have a failure, dropped his wand in shock. Without him noticing, the wand vanished (for such things weren't really needed in the life after death).

Suddenly realizing that the setting didn't look quite the same as he had it last seen, he rapidly looked back and forth, but the blue sky and white ground didn't disappear anywhere. There was no Harry Potter, no battle, no anything expect for the annoyingly peaceful atmosphere.

The Dark Lord looked like somebody had just slapped him. He was speechless. And then anger took place. What heck was going on! He had just been fighting and _winning_ for the sake of Slytherin! He couldn't be—It wasn't possible—He couldn't have fallen—HE DARED SOMEONE TO PROVE HIM OTHERWISE!

Then he noticed his wand missing. And as he looked down to see if he had simply dropped it on the… ground… he saw something that made his eyes almost pop out of their sockets.

The ground became transparent, and through it he saw Harry-bloody-Potter, filthy and scratched, but definitely alive. He was being hugged by excited and joyous Aurors, and the boy's own face practically _shone_. Behind him, there was a body and rather familiar looking robes, quite like the ones he was wearing right now.

Voldemort's blood went cold.

One of the Aurors suddenly noticed the neglected body, and went to kick it, for good measure.

It had been a while since someone had thrown such a raged fit in the world of deceased. There was screaming, cursing and useless fist-waving and stomping. Finally, breathing hard and gritting his teeth, Voldemort had to accept the truth. Despite that he really hated, detested, and loathed admitting it, it looked like the boy had managed to defeat him after all.

"GRAAH!"

Curse the Potters and their good luck! _CURSE THEM_!

"Ahem, Mister Dark Lord? Lord Voldemort?"

"Oh, James, there's no need to be so formal! Humph, it just isn't healthy for a person to prance around and command people to call him a Lord. We must forbid from doing that any longer. And the same goes for "You-Know-Who," and "He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named," too. Those are just ridiculous."

"Hmm, you're absolutely right as always, my dear Lily. Right, let's try again: Tom? You are Tom Marvolo Riddle, aren't you?"

As he listened to the conversation behind his back, Voldemort felt himself getting more and more pale. He knew those voices. He knew who were behind him. And with dread, he slowly turned around.

James and Lily Potter stood next to each other. They looked exactly like they had on the night he had murdered them. However, to his surprise they didn't look at all angry. Almost the opposite, Voldemort thought in shock as James suddenly smiled widely.

"I knew he would react to his given name!" he said to his wife, who nodded.

"Yes, love," she said and then turned to Voldemort. "Hello, Tom. We're very glad to see you here at last. You might not remember us, well, my name is Lily Potter and this man is my husband, James. You killed us in 1981, on Halloween, if I recall correctly—"

"—I think you do, darling. I remember the pumpkins—"

"—and then you attacked our son, Harry," she smiled pleasantly.

Voldemort was horrified to the bone.

"Hmm, honey, I reckon that he's not taking this well."

"Oh, my. He truly is pale… Are you feeling ill, Tom?"

At this point, Voldemort mysteriously recovered from his shock and started to shout at them, his eyes glinting in fury.

"Look here, you couple of foolish—DEADS!" he screamed. Lily and James looked mildly surprised. "I DON'T KNOW WHAT ARE YOU PLAYING AT, WHAT IN THE NAME OF MERLIN IS GOING ON, OR WHERE I AM, BUT YOU BETTER LEAVE ME ALONE JUST NOW, OR I'LL—"

James was next to him in an instant and holding him up by his ear. Voldemort exclaimed in pain and tried to claw at James' hand, but apparently he was unaffected to it. For the first time since their meeting, the man looked angry.

"You will not speak to me or your mother like that, young man!" he ordered strictly. All of sudden Voldemort stopped scratching his skin, looking downright stunned. Lily gasped.

"James!" she frowned. "We weren't supposed to tell him that yet!"

James sighed and looked apologetic.

"Sorry, Lily, but I just couldn't let him yell like that."

Lily sighed too and folded her hands.

"I guess you're right. But now we have to tell him," she turned her green eyes, full of emotion, to Voldemort, who was still being punished for yelling. She took a deep breath and exclaimed: "Tom… We are your parents!"

There was complete silence. At least there was, until Voldemort exploded.

"What are you babbling about, woman!" he shouted. Lily's eyes widened and she turned to her husband, looking very distressed.

"Oh, James, he doesn't like the idea!" she cried. James finally let go of Voldemort's ear, and he fell on the ground rather ungracefully. The black-haired man went to his wife, trying to comfort her.

"Don't worry, Lily. He just needs time to adjust. And we need to explain him…"

"Damn right you do! What is this nonsense, trying to tell me that you people are my parents!" Voldemort was up as quickly as a flash, bellowing at the two. James coughed into his hand.

"Do you remember, when you made Peter (I really need to have a word with him, when he dies, about loyalty and friendship) to take Harry's blood to resurrect yourself? Well, Lily and I saw that, and after a few days we became thoughtful. Then we came up with a logic, that we found actually made sense, in some very odd, very strange way: Since you have now Harry's blood flowing in your veins, and Harry's blood is in fact mine and Lily's blood…"

"You cannot be serious," breathed Voldemort in horror, understanding what James was saying, but not agreeing with his twisted sense AT ALL.

Out of blue, Sirius Black appeared next to him, grinning like a madman.

"Did someone call me?" the godfather of Harry sent a very disturbing glance at the direction of Voldemort's who was just aghast. James merely chuckled and Lily smiled.

"No, "Serious", your presence isn't needed yet. But we'll be sure to call you, when the time comes," she told him. Sirius nodded and scratched his head.

"Okay, Lily. Till then, I'll be playing poker with Mrs. Abbott and ol' Barty Crouch. He's a real fox, that one, you wouldn't believe the way he handles the cards."

"Bye, Padfoot," said James.

Sirius disappeared with a wave. James turned back to Voldemort.

"Where were we…?"

Voldemort could feel anger creep up his spine yet again.

"Listen, you pathetic—"

"You told him we share the same blood, darling," Lily helped. James snapped his fingers in a: "Oh, yes! I remember now!" –way and then they both looked at Voldemort.

"Tom, although our families have never even met each other and Lily and I didn't really have anything to do with your birth, you're now officially our second son."

Voldemort gaped at them. James smiled and offered his hand.

"Welcome to the Potters!"

The sun shone brightly down on the happy family. Well, happy expect for one.

"WHAT!"

"Sirius! Now!" Lily called, and without a warning Sirius was there yet again, only this time, he was holding a bucket of water.

"I'll soak—I mean, I'll christen you, Tom Marvolo Potter, in the name of Father and Son and something along the lines of that," he spoke quickly and then proceed to throw all of the water on Voldemort—or rather Tom Potter.

"Gah!" Tom Potter a.k.a Voldemort exclaimed, as he and his clothes became completely drenched. He spat the water out of his mouth, while Lily and James looked at each other meaningfully.

"Now that we have gotten that over with, there are a few things we'd like to discuss with you, Tom," Lily commenced with a frown. "One, you've been hurting and killing innocent people. That will end right now."

"I'm a Dark Lord! Of course I'll be killing people, those filthy mudbloods and muggles—"

"SECOND, you haven't been exactly polite to the people around you," James continued. "I'll take that as an example: No more calling people, because of their lineage."

"YOU—!"

"And third, the worst, and I must say, Tom, I'm really disappointed in you," Lily looked at him very sternly. "You have been picking on your brother."

Voldemort halted and blinked slowly.

"My brother?" he repeated. He had a feeling he knew who they were talking about…

Lily snorted and rolled her eyes. James did the same.

"Yes, Tom! Did you think we wouldn't see you bullying Harry around all these years? Well, you were wrong. Can you think how horrified we were to find you terrorizing him, the poor baby, year after year? You will show your brother respect from now on!" Lily poked at his chest, seemingly not at all intimidated of whom she was chastising. Voldemort's eyebrow (or rather the spot on his forehead, where his eyebrow should have been) twitched.

"I… have… had… enough… of… this…" he growled out, but James and Lily didn't stop there. They started to list all of his evil doings and all this time Sirius watched on with a satisfied grin, still holding the bucket.

"—and then you tried to take over the world!" James ended and waved his forefinger at him, scolding. "You're grounded."

"STOP IT RIGHT THERE, YOU PITIFUL EXCUSE OF A BEING! YOU ARE NOT MY PARENTS AND YOU CANNOT GROUND ME—"

"I'll take his legs, you take his arms."

"Got that. Sirius, come and help us."

"Pleasure!" chirped Sirius and threw the empty bucket away, approaching Voldemort, who was now slightly afraid. After all, he was sort of weak without his wand, and presently against three persons at the same time.

"You can't do this! Stop and I _might_ spare your miserable—WHERE THE HELL ARE MY DEATH EATERS! I know for a fact that at least half of them are dead! STOP THIS MADNESS RIGHT NOW OR I WILL—Don't you touch me! NOOO!"

It was a battle fought in vain for the ex-Dark Lord and soon Tom Marvolo Potter was dragged away by his new parents, who were already plotting righteous punishments for their new son, to make up his evil deeds, and Sirius, who at first had been totally against this, but as he thought about it more carefully and seen just how fun this was, had come to a final conclusion, that this was absolutely for the best.

The dead Death Eaters, still hiding, peeked out from their hiding place and watched as their screaming former master soon disappeared from the sight. They looked at each other and silently agreed to stay hidden for more fifty years at least.

And down on earth, in the middle of celebrating with his friends, Harry Potter looked up into the sky and frowned.

"Something wrong, Harry?"

He looked at Ron and Hermione, both covered in streamer. Ron also seemed to have a lollipop in his mouth. Harry smiled and shook his head thoughtfully.

"No, just thought I heard something."

And then they continued to party until the morning.

--

Uh… I've got no excuse. Review!


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